


Seasonal Depression

by BeautifulCreature



Category: Avengers, Marvel
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Winter is depressing, breakdown - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 02:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17889533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautifulCreature/pseuds/BeautifulCreature
Summary: Winter is the time when memories resurface with the depression of the world.





	Seasonal Depression

Winter in New York City proves to be as cold as meteorologists say. There’s an all-encompassing chill that seeps into everyone’s bones. It would be easier to combat with layers of clothing and warm beverages but the wind adds an extra rawness. Exposed skin is subjected to frostbite within thirty minutes: the average far below freezing temperatures. 

The average temperature in December during the 1940s was around thirty-five degrees fahrenheit. It could’ve been fatal for one Steve Rogers, with the presence of his frail frame, weak immune system, and asthma. A simple cold could turn into a case of bronchitis or even pneumonia if he wasn’t careful. The effects of The Great Depression still plagued the residents of New York City and his family was included. Steve Rogers somehow managed to survive without the luxuries of life such as good central heating and enough money for daily warm meals. 

When his mother passed there was only one person left, Bucky Barnes. His childhood friend had taken care of him for years, supporting the younger man with money from his job at the docks and even his own body heat. There was nothing Bucky Barnes wouldn’t do for his best friend. He would keep the little punk alive no matter what. 

Steve Rogers realizes how much he misses the 1940s when winter arrives. He doesn’t miss his shitty immune system but he misses cuddling with Bucky on cold nights, talking about Steve’s art and Bucky’s hopes and dreams for the world. They talked about the girls Bucky had flirting with him, the double dates Steve would inevitably be dragged on, Howard Stark’s new inventions being displayed, the war, and so much more. It seemed they could talk for hours and still have subjects untouched. 

He remembers that Bucky fell off the train in the winter. The terrified look in his eyes would never be forgotten. He would never forget it. He  _ could never _ forget it. It was all his fault. He had wanted to fight in the war so bad. He had opted to take the serum. He had known HYDRA was dangerous and he didn’t say no to Bucky. He had let Bucky stay. He had let Bucky  _ die. _

This was not the end of their story. Bucky had resurfaced two times. The first time was a complete tragedy. He hadn’t remembered who he was, much less who Steve was. The second time was better but in the end Bucky was placed in cryostasis. He would be left there until a cure could be found for his switch to the Winter Soldier. 

Winter is the time when memories resurface with the depression of the world. Not only is this winter following the pattern, but it’s the first holiday season with Bucky confirmed to be safe and yet still not with Steve. He wishes for nothing more than the people he cares about to be together. He wishes for Bucky to officially meet Steve’s boyfriend of four years, Tony Stark. He wishes for Bucky to explore the way the world has changed and how technology has improved.

Winter is also the season when Steve began dating Tony. It was only six months after the Battle of New York. To describe how they became attracted to each other is rather simple: hate sex quickly became regular sex and regular sex became cuddling and soft kisses in the late hours of the night. 

Steve may seem too innocent to have sex with anyone, much less hate sex with the son of the man he knew in the old days. This is not the case. He had entered a rough patch; the reality of his situation finally sunk in. Instead of taking a healthier approach to his PTSD and depression by talking to a professional, Steve focused his attention on the innocent people being harmed by the scum of society. He focused his complete attention on this. Steve rarely took time for himself, staying out at night to fight criminals rather than sleep and eating only when absolutely necessary. 

Steve’s self destructive behavior finally caught up with him after a few weeks. He became snippy, commenting on everything Tony said with distaste. He responded with eye rolls and glared at his team members during casual conversation. He even had the audacity to be disrespectful to Director Fury. That act almost ended with Steve being suspended from active duty. 

His behavior was so uncharacteristic that Tony felt Steve needed an intervention. Something was clearly wrong. Unsurprisingly, his intervention resulted in yelling and name-calling. However, it also resulted in something very surprising: Steve kissing him. It all happened so fast that the next thing Tony realized was his hands were holding Steve’s head and he was returning the passionate kiss. Then one thing led to another and they were having hate sex. 

Four years later and they’re more in love than they thought possible. 

~~

This winter is the first without Bucky since he’s been found and proven to be in safe hands. Despite knowing that Bucky’s still here, he feels like he’s lost him all over again. He finds himself having nightmares of Bucky’s fall more often. He feels guilty for not finding a cure for the WInter Soldier. He wishes he could do more than he has. No matter what he does he’ll never be able to change what happened to them. 

It’s nights like these that he’s grateful he has Tony. He wants nothing more than to curl up against his boyfriend and be told everything will be okay. 

The universe grants his wish for once.

~

“Steve?” Tony calls, opening the door to their bedroom. He’s drawn into the room by the lack of response and the cold air coming from inside. The first thing he notices is the balcony door is open. He hadn’t remembered opening it. Upon further inspection he sees Steve standing at the railing, leaning his arms over it. “Babe,”

Steve turns his head to look at Tony, “Hmm?”

“What are you doing out here?” He asks, adding, “It’s freezing.” Steve shrugs. 

“You could’ve at least brought a blanket with you.” 

“I didn’t feel like it.”

Tony rolls his eyes, “Of course you didn’t,” He grabs a blanket from their bed and joins Steve, wrapping it around both of them.

“Tony, I don’t need this. I run warm, remember?”

“Humor me,” He looks down at the streets of New York, watching couples walk huddled in warm clothes. “Honestly, why are you out here?”

“I already--” 

“Don’t bullshit me, Steve.” Tony says, looking at Steve. He can see the lack of emotion in his eyes. “I know you,”

Steve sighs, “I don’t feel like talking about it.”

“Please don’t shut me out.” 

“I’m not doing it on purpose.” 

Tony takes Steve’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to go through it alone. You always tell me that.”

“I know…” He trails off. Steve takes a deep breath before continuing, “It’s about Bucky.”

It makes sense to Tony. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do if he lost Rhodey. The only difference is that Steve and Bucky were best friends before Steve had the serum. They’ve been together forever and Steve’s had to deal with losing him multiple times. Tony’s listened to Steve talk about his guilt, his survivor’s guilt. He understands what PTSD is like, even though he’d never admit it to anyone. 

“You can take your time,” He says quietly.

“This is the first winter without him again,”

“What do you mean?” 

“The first time he…” Steve inhales sharply, as if punched in the stomach. “It was winter.” 

“Baby, look at me.” Tony says. Steve slowly turns his head towards him. “He’s still here. He’s safe.”

“I know that, but it feels like I’ve lost him all over again.” 

“You haven’t. You won’t lose him again. I promise.”

“You don’t know that,” Steve removes his hand from Tony’s. 

“I won’t--” Tony begins but is interrupted by Steve’s pained voice.

“You can’t control everything, Tony!” He snaps. “It’s not something you can micromanage like one of your bots.”

“Steve, you’re not listening.” 

“No, you’re not. I’ve lost him too many times already and you can’t prevent it from happening again. You don’t have the technology to prevent it. No one does.” Tears begin forming in his eyes.

“Steve, stop it.” Tony nearly yells.

“You don’t understand how much it hurts.” 

“I know, baby. But I can try.” Tony wraps his arms around Steve, rubbing his back.

The emotion bubbling up in Steve finally overflows and he stifles a sob against Tony’s shoulder. 

“Let it out,” He murmurs, allowing Steve to sob against him. 

“I’m so sorry,” He says as his body shakes.

“Don’t apologize,” 

It seems like hours pass before Steve calms down, sniffling quietly. His breathing is slow and even, as if he’s asleep. 

“Let’s go inside and lie down, okay?” Tony says.

“That sounds nice,” Steve agrees.     
  



End file.
